Why I quit my old blog and longed for a new chapter
As I mentioned in the last article, I wanted to address the reasons why I discontinued my former online magazine and decided to start a new chapter with CAENIQUE. Let’s track a little back for this: In 2008, this project started as a static website called „Cherry-Chan“, which I crafted with an absolutely ridiculous looking homepage-builder for free. Yup, that page’s design was as shitty as it sounds, but I was a noob and had zero skill in programming yet. Mostly posting about animation, DIY and otaku stuff, I had to put it down after 3 years of activity due to a lack of time throughout school graduation and work. Unfortunate, but necessary.
During my university time however, I was able to relaunch the newly designed blog in 2015 as „Nekonique“, which derived from a play with my lastname, the japanese word „Neko“ for „cat“ and the french word „unique“. As you see, that name was already a mess to start with and so turned out the approach later too. I guess there wasn’t that one big thing, but a combination of many little things that slowly put me off about it. For the most part I discontinued the blog because:
1) I posted a lot about current trends and news, that roughly hit the topics of my page, but were already covered by other „bigger“ pages anyways. For example, when people wanted to know about a new gimmick that just came out, let’s say something game related, of course they could read about it here – but who in their right mind gives a shit about it at this place, when you can read fully researched and funded articels on popular gamingcompany-sites, that are already established in that field and way more specialised about that form of reporting, than a bunch of small bloggers?
It gave me an impression of wasted time, because it felt pointless to „repeat“ what everyone else already talked about, how boring! If you are doing a personal blog, with own opinions, commentary and thoughts of you as an individual, this makes perfect sense of course. It’s an experience the reader can only find with you – but that wasn’t the case with my page back then, as it was written in a pretty diplomatic and neutral way, to forcefully press itself into a „professional looking template“, it didn’t truly fit in from the beginning, because I never wanted a page like that. I know plenty of, let’s say, „selfproclaimed online magazines“ pretending to be something they’re not, making you (and honestly themselves) believe it’s qualified journalism, while in reality it’s just the 100th washed down bullshit from one blogger behind the screen sitting in their parents basement.
2) So as you see, in many cases I wasn’t happy anymore with what „I had to write about“. People were demanding topics I did not care about enough to actually be interested in them, but ended up posting about, because I didn’t want to disappoint them. This build up a very unpleasant pressure over time. Those readers were what kept the blog alive of course, but everyone knows that shit starts to go downhill when you start to only create something with the purpose of pleasing others. I started to disregard my own standards and needs to stress about solemnly what everyone else wanted, never finding a balance. This immensely tore down my motivation and the quality of the articles, as I kept disappointing myself to not disappoint others. When I wrote, I held back so much of my personality, opinion and humour and I was sick and tired of that overly restrained crap.
3) Long story short, I tried to combine two things that are not quite mixable. I longed for original, personal and creative output for such a long time. At this point I totally disliked the approach and therefore content of my page. I couldn’t identify myself with it enough to keep it going that way, I had no drive, no purpose or fullfillment in it, yet pushed myself to further deliver half assed, unpersonal articles to avoid losing followers. Can you spot the massive ironic mistake in that sentence? Because I fucking can.
4) And to end the list, I later realised that I started the blog for wrong reasons. Which, honestly, was a big thing for me to finally understand. The realisation hit me like a ton of bricks when I was sitting in the car with my friend coming home from a roadtrip. The talk with him made me see how I went wrong right from the start. (Yo, thanks again buddy!) Without going into too much detail, part of my old self wanted to prove something with creating that project, regarding that times situation. I was involved with a bunch of extremly toxic people and eager to prove a specific thing – which by the way I did do achieve – but wondered why surpassing those expectations by miles did not make me happy at all. Why? Because if you start something out of ANY negative or low reason, it will not fullfill you. Like, ever. A rotten root will not lead you to the kind of success you could have had with the same project, if you had started it out of a good intention.
When I realised I partly started it to work against not for something, didn’t write about what interested me, succumbed to the pressure of the readers demands, felt repetitive and generic, it was about time to shut that shit down and put my time and love into something I really wanted from the beginning. Besides that, the name of the old blog wasn’t really helping either, as it, being no recognizable word, was hard to rememeber for followers and reminded me of all the bad shinanigangs of my past.
BUT I am super grateful that all this let me to CAENIQUE today! One day I sat down with a delicious hot chocolate and brainstormed about everything I wanted to renew, change and if necessary build from scratch. My first plan was to completely tear down this page, but there were still plenty of articles I liked, so I decided against it as it would have been a pity to trash all that nice parts of work and memories. Now I feel way more happy and motivated with my blog! Every time I open the website I’m hyped instead of upset and I already have lots of exciting ideas to put into articles. Creating all new sidebars, graphics, texts and pictures was already a super fun task! The biggest, juiciest THANK YOU to all the sweet, amazing (and patient *cough*) people who kept following this project till today, you readers make all this possible and I couldn’t be happier about every single one of you. You guys rock, don’t let anyone tell ya otherwise!
Gosh, that turned out long. Damn. Well, nothing better that the good ol’ TLDR comments.
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